Psychology and Technology

I was in Barcelona, at my mum’s last week. I went through many old papers I had still there, in particular, some letters from my childhood and youth that were stored away neatly in little boxes. I had completely forgotten that when I was a teenager, it was typical to have friendships based on letters. Some of them I initially met over the Internet, once I was at University, but others were people I had met during the summers camping with my parents and others were contacts that were provided at High School, to help us communicate with people in English and improve our language skills.

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This is an idea that it has taken me a while to get my head around. Some parents love their children, some others don’t. I have a friend that knows a very good children psychiatrist, and this guy said to her once that even though we seem to believe that there is an invisible bond between parents and children that makes parents love their children no matter what, this is a fallacy and reality is far from there.

Some parents love their children, most parents don’t. This is my new believe. There are all sorts of reasons to have children, but most people have them because “their clock is ticking”, or “it is now or never”. They have a child because they think they will want one in the future and they won’t be able to give birth at certain age, which is probably true, but a questionable reason to have a baby. Some other people simply do it because it is what they are supposed to do.

I know many parents that love their children and would do anything for them. I know many others that do not give a damn and forget about their children whenever the novelty is over (or whenever the child have their own ideas and disagrees with them). My father is one of the latter. I have recently realised that he only wanted to have a child because it is what he was supposed to do. He has fulfilled his duty of raising me and paying for the bills, but since I can remember, he has always been trying to domesticate me, make me the person he wanted me to be, a docile woman that serves him. That is clearly not who I am, but this idea has given me new insights about life and about parenthood.

The only thing I take away from this experience, is the idea of not taking for granted that parents love their children just because, sometimes their acts are purely egoistic and meant to fulfil the parent’s wishes, rather than selflessly giving life to another human being.

Last year was a good one. So hectic that I gave up trying to write everything that was happening and focussed rather on dealing with my feelings and all the changes that went on in my life instead.

During the 2010 Christmas celebrations, I realised that going back to my parents home wasn’t something to look forward to any more. The environment was hostile and I didn’t want to be part of that. I didn’t go back to Barcelona until July 2011, when I booked a room in a hotel to be able to talk to my parents from neutral ground… to be told that my father was leaving to start a new life with someone else. My mum was not in good shape with all that was going on, neither was I. During the second half of 2011, things settled and we all accepted the new state of things and moved on with our lives.

During 2011, I also realised that the job that I had found after my sabbatical wasn’t at all what I was looking for. My career was stuck and I didn’t see any prospect improvement in the coming 2 years… which was the time that seemed “reasonable” for someone to be able to get a promotion. For nine months I was sitting on a chair and thinking whether I would ever get to learn something new there. I prefer to work for a company that promotes competence, not length of time sitting on the same chair. So I started looking for a new job and I found one that keeps me both interested and on track learning new things on daily basis! On the first month in this job I had learnt more than in the 9 months I spent on the previous company.

Since my new job’s office was my own home, I decided to move with my partner to a nicer flat in the countryside. I must say a one bedroom flat in central London doesn’t really have enough space to have a proper office and it felt quite claustrophobic after two months working full time there. Now we have a two bedrooms flat with views of a marina. Difficult to feel claustrophobic in such environment.

Christmas this year were different, due to our new family situation. My mum came to Southampton and we both spent Christmas together, enjoying the holidays in a different way from all the previous years in my life.

After that, my boyfriend and I decided to take a break from our lives and spend some time with each other doing as little as possible. A 5 stars hotel in London did the trick. We celebrated the start of the New Year, to which we arrived some seconds late, due to my inability to switch on the TV with the hotel TV menu… when we realised we were late, we started eating the grapes trying to catch up with the Big Ben (in Spain it is tradition to eat 12 grapes during the bell sound from the clock at 12 o’clock, that’s our way to count down)… so we struggled to eat the grapes on time… plenty of laughs all along… it was good fun!

 If I had to choose the most valuable lessons of 2011, I’d go for:

• Change is good, things moving forward is better than unhappily maintaining the status quo.
• Your happiness is your own responsibility, don’t blame others for your own inability to be happy.
• People always lie. Deciding which lies are acceptable and which ones are not (and how to deal with them in this case) is the difficult part.

Last week we finally got the flat we were trying to rent! By Wednesday evening, someone gave us the keys to the new flat and we were able to move in, hamster and first round of boxes included.

The property is huge, even bigger than we remembered from the first and only viewing. Compared to our London hole in the wall, this one has actual space to live in and enjoy. It is a newish flat to a very good standard. The only bad thing is that in London, hot water and central heating was provided to us for free, the landlord paid for that to the council, whilst here we have to pay for the hot water we consume and heating, which makes our electricity bill go sky high. The good thing is that the proper windows make much more energy efficient the heating part, so compared to most properties in England our bill won’t be that bad.

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I have had a very embarrassing experience today. We are in the process of moving from a temporary accommodation to a definitive flat and because we have plenty of boxes, I have decided to rent a car for a couple of weeks… I tried to get a compact, but when I got there they said they didn’t have any compact and they gave me a bigger car. Seat Ibiza, fully powered. Very nice car, very easy to drive, I was even considering getting one after these two weeks.

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In psychology they say that relocating to a different place is one of the most upsetting and stressful experiences that one person can go through. I decided to move to Southampton the last week of August and the 2nd of September we were looking for a new flat there. We found, after seeing three flats, one that we loved and agreed with the landlord that we would start the tenancy on the 20th of September. We arranged for a professional moving on the 21st and redirected the mail so that we didn’t miss any important letter in the process. Luckily I had decided to keep the flat in London until mid October, due to work commitments.

The landlord couldn’t move out on time, so we have some of our post in the wrong place (if you ask me, Royal Mail’s mistake, since we gave them 4 days notice to get it right) and we didn’t find any other flat that suited our needs straight away because we lived miles away from Southampton and it is not easy to go and see a flat when it becomes available, literally, we have scheduled viewings for the next day at noon and they’d send us an email at 10am saying the flat was gone, we were already on our way and had invested 60 – 90 GBP on the train, as well as taking the day off from work.

That is the reality of the housing market in the UK. Nice flats are put in the market today and in two hours they are gone. Whoever lives closer or has the time to see the property is normally the one getting the flat. Once someone puts some money down to secure the property, the referencing starts. It takes up to a week and they call your employer, previous landlord, bank, etc. It depends on the company, but it is pretty exhausting for everyone, they send several letters and wait for an answer, or if you are lucky, they call them. After (if) you pass the referencing, a date is established and a contract is printed and sent to you, hopefully you still have an address by then where to receive the letters.

We are undergoing our second referencing now after passing the first ones and being unlucky once. Fingers crossed this will be it. Our move is on hold and we have spent some money in temporary accommodation until we get a flat. Now I know why moving is stressing. So many unknowns and uncertainties. Will keep you posted, I have a 3G dongle for the time we are off-line.

When someone you love very dearly lies to you, you feel the world around you crumbles. When that someone is the person that you used as a model for distinguishing right from wrong, then the offence is even bigger and you wonder whether you’ll ever be able to forgive or forget.

I always thought my father was a person I could trust no matter what. This is not true any more and I feel lost, trying to find my way again. In Spain, parents are by definition the people you have to respect no matter what, it is socially inconceivable that a parent would ever harm their children, despite of all the examples out there of people mistreating their children. Some families live in this denial forever. Parents are the only people you can trust and rely upon. Parents are the ones who will never deceive you. And you must honour and help them always, no matter the cost for you.

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Last week we were looking for a flat in Southampton and we decided to stay for two days at Novotel Southampton. We arrived to the hotel late in the evening, 9pm-ish and were really keen in going to sleep because we had two long days of flat hunting ahead of us. So we went to the room, unpacked our luggage and I decided to go to the toilet. When washing my hands I discovered that the wash basin was badly clogged and all the luggage unpacking had to be packed again to change to another room.

Once we were ready for the change, I went downstairs and asked at reception whether we could have another room, because our wash basin was clogged. The guy there looked at me as if I was asking something really weird and the conversation went like this:

• Him: “Don’t you prefer to stay in the room and if we fix it as soon as possible?”
• Me: “Not really, I want a different room to be able to go to sleep as soon as possible.”
• Him: “But madam, that is easily fixable.”
• Me: “I don’t care, I have paid for a place to sleep and be calm.”
• Him: “Ok, as you wish. Have you touched anything in the room?”
• Me: “Well, the very least I washed my hands…”
• Him: “Anything else, madam?”
• Me: “Let me see, I used the wardrobe all the clothes in and then out again, the toilet, the wash basin and soap.”
• Him: “Is that all?”
• Me: “I think so, yes.”
• Him: “Ok, madam, I will give you another key and you can leave the old one in the room once you are finished with it.”

And I didn’t realize what had happened until later. The person at Novotel Southampton reception wanted to keep the guests in a room with a clogged wash basin to save cleaning the toilet, the basin, a bit of soap and a towel. Damn, I forgot to tell him about the towel!

I am glad I insisted in getting a different room, there was no air conditioning and the windows were an adventure to open or close… the smell of unclogging a pipe would have been anything but nice for a good night sleep.

There is one good thing, though, they sent me a survey and I told them about my experience and someone from Novotel sent me an email saying they would make sure this never happens again. I don’t think we will be risking it, though.

Conclusion, if you ever go to that hotel, check that your wash basin is not clogged before you unpack your luggage!

We have decided to move from London to Southampton. I am not sure what life in Southampton will be like, but it feels like the right time for a change. Flats in Southampton are much better value for money than in London and we’ve liked what we’ve seen there. I will let you know more once things are truly in place.

I have mixed feelings about leaving London. On one hand I have had a good time here and life has been much better than it was in Spain. On the other hand, property prices are so high that money doesn’t really buy anything nice here as it would do anywhere else in England. I understand better now the English people that commute every day to work in London. They have a much better home far away from the city, and life is much calmer as well.